Female not Foe

OK, let’s be honest, I’m not proud of myself, but… Well we all have our odd habits and one of my borderline perversions is paddling in the sewers of the Internet. Yes. I know I’m educated! I should be spending my time better elsewhere but… As vices go, it’s not a terrible one…

Anyway, I have two go to places where I like to voyeur group dynamics… The Metro comments section, though to be fair, that’s probably more for the gems of illiteracy that give hilarious whole other meanings to things. My real guilty pleasure (though that’s a euphamism as I can’t confess to feeling guilty) is a local fb community page. I’m going to steal and probably misquote something a friend said the other day, which has had me laughing on and off since I heard it. The phrase was in reference to other things but it’s too apt and too delicious to not use here. So… This fb page is full of (misquote coming up) “prosecco glugging, avacodo chomping, twats”.

They’re an odd bunch, convinced they live in some kind of Utopia which is unfortunately frequently invaded by the unworthy. They complain bitterly… Mostly about cat shit, students, and parking, or any combination thereof…

We can’t park! Not because we have 3-6 cars per house but because those bloody students have 1 tiny car between 4 of them and they’re hogging the whole area! And the noise! They were playing music at 10pm! Don’t they know I have to get up at 8am to let the nanny in? And so on and so forth…

That was before lockdown… What are we on now? Week 9? Something like that… Well they’re going increasingly insane…

Why do I find this so funny? Well, where shall we start?

OK… There is of course, the previously mentioned great courgette appeal… #firstworldproblems

Then there was the photo that appeared of an empty supermarket shelf which accompanied a lengthy moan about how tragic it was that all the hand sanitiser was sold out, followed by (I presume dirty) finger pointing at greedy hoarders… Thing is, as it happens, I was in the supermarket exactly at the time said photograph was being taken, stood right next to (well 6ft away from) a woman angling mobile phone towards the two empty shelves in a way that the full shelves next to it could not be seen. I watched with much amusement and made and won a bet with Mr S – “Look at that nutter, curating her lockdown story. I bet that appears on the X fb page by the time we get home…”

Then began the posts along the lines of oh my mental health is so badly affected by this, I need chocolate but I’m too traumatised to leave the house… These get floods of replies… You’re so brave to reach out Hun, pm your address, I’ll leave some on your doorstep… Now, I know mental health problems are not funny but it is funny how things can switch from ‘I can’t cope’ to ‘Oh, I don’t really like bourbon biscuits, do you think you could knock me up a batch of cupcakes instead? ” so quickly… Call me cynical (I’ve been called worse) but I’m not seeing mental health honestly depicted here; it feels maybe more in the vein of opportunism/emotional manipulation…

Then we’ve had the “shaming” photos. For example, the one showing builders putting a new roof on. Now these guys were well within the law to work, were following H&S procedures and socially distancing and call me crazy but in my mind if your roof has fallen in, then getting builders to legally fix it, is hardly classed as non-essential… This poster did (not by me) get challenged – “If you’re so worried about this virus, why are you even out? How is your amateur pappaprazzo shoot essential?”

“Pappaprazzo (sic)! How very dare you! I was legitimately out, taking my government prescribed exercise, after I’d walked the dog, before I went to the chemist, visted 3 vulnerable neighbours, then went shopping at 6 different shops trying to source toilet paper! I have every right to be out! I just happened to see these men and photographed them as I wanted some clarity on the issue!”

But this is all little league compared to my latest and current favourite…

I could c+p but the whole post was too clunky for my taste. The upshot was that let’s call her Wilma. Wilma had been driving at 8am and nearly knocked a girl off of her bike. Wilma admits that she scared the girl, and that she then pulled up her car further along the road, sat with her window open waiting to tell the girl that she’d not seen her because the sun was in her eyes. Wilma had wanted to offer some unsolicited fashion advice regarding visibility for the now in Wilma’s words “terrified” girl. So Wilma was posting several hours after the event to say she was sorry that she had terrified the girl twice and that she was worried that the girl might have thought she was being accosted by the man that has been posted about who is out and about hassling lone female joggers. So she just wanted to assure the girl that she was female not foe.

Oh my! Nigh on 200 comments!

Female not foe! Wtf?! Two words Wilma –

“Myra Hyndley!”

Two more…

“Rose West!”

I searched the page… No mention anywhere of this man hitting on joggers… Though an interesting post from Wilma seeking 20cm of Navy thread, then discerning between several shades of almost identical blues to say none were invisible enough… I resisted the urge to suggest she found the girl on the bike and asked her what colour she was wearing as it had rendered her invisible in broad daylight… Mr S heard me laughing, “What are you up to?” I filled him in. He forbade me from commenting on any of the posts “Ffs Karen! Don’t you go wading in there! People are fragile! If you unleash, then some poor cow will probably end up hanging herself…”

Being the ever dutiful wife (🤣🤣🤣) I complied with his lordship’s commands. Though he forgot to ban me from reading through the comment section… Oh lord! What happened to Utopia?! The divisions and cracks laid bare… Wars are raging! Men against women! Old against young! Cyclists against motorists! Civilised against trolls! My favourite volley by someone thinking they are right and polite calling out others for being ‘right nobs with too much time on their hands’. (OK confession… I did comment there – “C’mmon leave Wilma alone now”).

What has happened to Utopia? What has happened to all those posts about isn’t our community so friendly and caring? Isn’t this timeout so amazing? What an incredible opportunity it is for us to build a new normal!

Your new normal? Man! You guys are fucked! 🤣

Anyway, I was (almost) good… I (almost) held off commenting (Mr S won’t find out as I got lots of likes then the comment I’d commented on got deleted) but I don’t know… Female not Foe felt like too good a title to waste… So in the new normal of pseudo intellectual superiority and in good old fashioned hypocrisy… I decided to throw it over to the D. O.

What’s happened in Utopia?

Dear Wilma

The time to apologise was at the actual time it happened. There and then when you almost knocked the girl off of her bike and scrambled her. Not 5 minutes later when she’s most likely pumped full of adrenalin and not receptive to strangers approaching her… And not several hours later via a medium she’ll probably never see anyway…

I don’t know Wilma? There are a lot of things that sound pretty off to me… There are a lot of excuses and attempts to shift the blame onto the victim? Are you sure, you didn’t shoot your mouth off and now you’re trying to backpeddle incase anyone heard you?

You’ve plopped your story into a fb group and you’ve forgotten that there are many different people, each of which, who will see the world in their own way…

Speaking of seeing things in different ways. I’m curious… How old was this girl? I note that somewhere in the comments you said that maybe her flatmates would see it? Is she 20’s? Is that a girl? Is this, flying under the radar, student bashing?

Question… You don’t have to answer. If, say for example, the cyclist had been a 6 foot male (boy or man), would you have felt the need to offer him advice on what to wear? Shhh… No… Don’t answer… Just take that one away and have a little think about it…

What were you trying to achieve? You make a claim that the post was in the name of community spirit yet BAM! Things burst apart and yes, you may have a couple of allies but most have focused in on you and burnt you down like you’re a tiny ant captured under a magnifying glass pinpointing the midday sun…

Reel yourself in love! Don’t post in public if you’re going to get butt hurt by a full spectrum of opinions…

Just sayin’

Love D. O.

P. S. Disclaimer – I’m female not foe.

P. P. S. Seriously bitch? Have you never heard of black widows… *SMFH*