Burn for the Lord

Why don’t you make things easy for yourself? He said – Why don’t you just go to the post office and sort out your forms there?

Hmmm… Yeah, I always forget that there’s a post office there… Yeah, just a little walk to the end of the road, less than 5 minutes… Yeah, what could possibly go wrong…

Well… The post office turned out to be a farce of epic proportions… A full Monty Pythonesque side splitter of no, sorry, you can’t post your letter here. But you’re a post office? Yes, we’re a post office but we don’t issue those forms. Yeah, I know you don’t, I got it issued and paid for online, I just need a stamp and to put it in the postbox. Oh, I don’t know about that? I’ll ask the manager. No! Don’t ask the manager! I’m leaving, I’ll take my forms and go! I need to get out of here and take this fucking mask off!

Wow! Once there was a time when we went into a post office in a mask and they opened the till and put the money into a bag for you… Now you mask up and you can’t even buy a sodding stamp.

I turned to head home, shaking my head in dismay and wondering if I’d accidentally walked into a hidden camera show…

There’s a small gathering of women, 2 I know, and 2 I don’t. They stop me and I pause to shoot the breeze… One of the new faces cuts into our conversation

I was just going to say a little prayer. Would you care to sit with us while I pray? She stares into my eyes, she asks me again… Her lilting Irish tone persistent as she takes a scarf, covers her head, opens the garden gate, and hand signals encouragement to enter.

It’s too hot to argue. I ponder… Should I take a pew or should I go back to the post office to see if they sell cheese? I look at the small woman stood in Dumbo pj’s and oddly, at this point, listening to her pray seems the less surreal option. I park my backside on a low thin ledge between path and soil, my legs falling into lotus position.

Oh Karen, you’re still going to yoga class?

Nah… Not for a few years…

She goes swimming now, don’t you?

Not for a good few months, the pool is still bloody shut…

‘Allo! I don’t know if you’ve prayed before, I need you to stop talking and just close your eyes until I finish speaking.

The other 3 swiftly oblige. I shuffle my backside into a position I think will be comfortable for a minute or so…

Dear Lord, I beg ye Lord! See these people gathered afore ye Lord, I beg ye, remove the stones from their hearts. LORD I BEG YOU! And your holy son Jesus Christ! Remove the stones from the hearts of those gathered!

From the other direction – PRAISE THE LORD!

Remove the stones! Replace them with your healing power. Take away the fear, I beg ye Lord! Take the illness of the world, I beg ye Lord, take away this virus! Lord you created all the world and all that’s in it. I burn for you Lord…

My eyes still shut, I smile… Ah OK… Lockdown meltdown… OK… Everybody deals with it in their own way…

The words continue with increasing fervour… Gasps and tears and pauses… The Lord’s Prayer punctuated after each line I BEG YE LORD. I refrain from cutting in and telling her she’s mixed the order up…

LORD! There’s a sinner here sat amongst us! I beg ye Lord take the evil ways from her heart, the swearing from her mouth, I beg ye Lord, remove her from Satan’s grasp. I beg ye Lord, lead this false prophet away from Satan’s path I beg ye Lord! Save the sinner’s soul in the name of Christ and all that’s holy don’t let me walk this world like this sinner, I beg ye Lord fill me with the Light of Christ that I may speak your word… You saved me Lord, I burn for you Lord!

Ah… OK… I guess someone’s told her I’m a tarot reader…let’s see what else she’s got… Nope she’s run out, it’s just on loop now… It loops and loops until the postman arrives. His oh errrr breaks the cycle and we open our eyes to see him poised with one arm over the gate, holding a parcel, not knowing quite what to do… He drops it over, smiles awkwardly and tootles off slightly bemused but smiling.

The prayers have stopped but now her testimony starts about how she’s a saved woman and has no fears or cares as the Lord provides and she has faith. Whatever she wishes for the Lord arranges. She slams Jehovah’s witnesses… She slams Catholics… She used to be a Catholic but not a good one mind you! Now she doesn’t need churches, she has the Lord and the Gospel Gathering place across town… I don’t know? A building for Gospel Gatherings and shouting out loud about being on fire with God’s word… still kinda sounds like a church to me… I say nothing and smile as she says people are brainwashed by church, evil ways, Satan…. Satan who knows his time is short and that’s why all these fires are happening! She rambles on and on with the other stranger ending all her sentences with Praise the Lord! Apparently the Lord saved her too… She says she’s full of joy… I’m not seeing it in her eyes…

Now they directly turn to me… Your tarot is evil, it’s Satan’s trap… It’s all there in the Bible. Your beliefs are evil. It’s all there in Revelations!

My beliefs? What is it exactly that you think I do? They’re puzzled by my laughter and i feel as though they’re disappointed that I didn’t argue with them… I laugh again and say hey don’t worry about my soul. Satan doesn’t want me, I’m way too cheerful in the mornings!

They’re off again… I finally find the answer to my dentist’s long standing confusion over where the amount of scar tissue on the inside of my cheeks comes from. Ah… I chew them when I’m doing by best not to bust my gut with raucous laughter…

My thoughts are interrupted.

Let the Lord into your heart! Speak from your heart! What do you have to say?

LORD! I BEG YE! TAKE THE PINS AND NEEDLES FROM MY ARSE!

It’s a miracle! They’ve gone! I’m up and on my feet!

Let the Lord speak through you!

Aye! He says top o’ the feckin’ mornin’ to ya! Now shift yer feckin’ arses will yer? Let the lady through, she was supposed to be reading my feckin’ tarot half a feckin’ hour ago!