Fresh Tobacco and Dead Badgers

Some people might say – Let it go… Rise above it… My mind in situations where that might be appropriate, instead says – It’s all just fresh tobacco and dead badgers. Sometimes I say that out loud and some people look at me oddly and other people who’ve heard me ramble on about the thoughts in my head when I’ve encountered either fresh tobacco or dead badgers, laugh and say oh your brain’s doing that thing again?

That thing? It’s this thing where it feels like my brain separates down the middle and then each side engages in conversation with the other, both sides having opposite views… A banter type argument ensues that never goes anywhere but slowly runs out of steam as I laugh at my own ridiculousness…

Fresh tobacco, I kind of understand it when that triggers the cascade. I guess it’s a smell thing, the limbic system, the way the brain is formed so smell and memories wrap around each other. I’m an ex smoker and I don’t much care for the smell of smoke, but the opening of a new pouch of heady scents rum like and similar to Christmas pudding brings back memories of the ritual of rolling cigarettes, memories of youthful days, of easy company and feelings of immortality… The logical side of my brain kicks in with – Stop! That shit will kill you!

Dead badgers… God alone knows why that triggers my brain split. Though it’s not just any old badger. It’s very specific… It’s an odd thing but for some reason, I’ve come across dead badgers at the side of the road and it has happened 4 times now and I’m baffled as to how, but these dead badgers are flat on their backs with their legs standing bolt upright squarely into the air and my stupid brain goes…

Oh look! If you popped an oval of glass on top of that, it would make a really cool coffee table…

What? Wtf is wrong with you? How are you going to make a badger coffee table?

Well derrrrr taxidermy!

You’re fucking weird…

I’m not fucking weird! Loads of people do taxidermy!

Hmmm… Badger coffee tables is a thing?

Well no but it could be…

It’ll fucking stink…

Hmmm maybe there’s something to stop that?

Yeah… Burying dead badgers instead of turning them into coffee tables would fix that…

Why don’t you want me to have nice things?

Ffs! Can you hear yourself! Get a grip! Besides, where do you even have room to keep such things?

Look! I only want one! Not a full sett!

And on and on it goes and as if that’s not odd enough, I’ve narrated these thoughts out loud in company… Usually ending with oh so you think you’ve got problems? I have to live with me all the time! 🤣

I’ve pondered on why I do this and I think it is symptomatic of being able to often hold two opposing views at the same time… That’s a skill that makes me a good mediator but it’s also a skill that can be exhausting.

I don’t much feel like going into the story and details of recent events other than to note how interesting it is that just a couple of small words, a throw away comment can scream loud that enough is enough, I’m done with seeing things from both sides. Just a couple of words tossed at me, sent my brain into complete silence… Nothing… No words… No comment… Silence… Then a huge exhale as the two sides of my typically bickering brain decided to form an alliance, to come powerfully together, united in one single simple phrase – Self care comes first!

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