The Golden Exhale…

Amongst the images in my Discarded Oracle, this is one of the very few that does have a name.

The Golden Exhale

Although it has a name, I am unsure as to whether or not this oracle is its permanent home. At this point it’s hard to say. I flick through my cast of cards and wonder how coherently they hang together… Some days they seem to vibe, other days they feel like a disparate band of misfits…

Whatev’! Right here, right now it’s taking up a place so I will speak of it. I guess one of the reasons as to why I question its belonging is that it wasn’t derived during a field trip in the same way that most of the other cards were…

Rather than astrally travelling to other worlds, this one came from plumbing the depths of my own personal mythology… In October 2011, on the 14th I think, was that a Friday? Oh, I really should know this, for this was the day that I metaphorically murdered my mother. This was the day of my rebirth anew…

I know over recent years, the malignancy of motherhood has seeped out into the open… More people are willing to break silence and speak out about their experiences and explode the myth of the sacred mother-daughter bond that must be observed and respected at all costs…

But what when that cost becomes an actual and very real threat to your life?

On that October morning, my XX DNA donor gave me a precious gift.

I’m sure she had no idea that she was giving me such a precious gift as her disproportionate explosion of vitriolic rage culminated in her taking an action that left me no other option than to cut this creature out of my life once and for all. Growing up under this maternal kosh, I now know, left me with very many difficulties in discerning healthy boundaries. But when face to face events escalate to such extent that you’re amazed to still be alive then you know things have to change.

Walking away from the scene that exploded outside of my house, I felt the adrenalin coursing through my veins and I felt different… A difference that wasn’t coming from the flood of biochemicals. My whole body was trembling… The word that looped through my mind was “breathe”. I gulped at air like a fish in a too hot and deoxygenated tank gasps near the surface. I managed to sink a lung full of air and then it came… The Golden Exhale!

Have you ever noticed how close the word ‘mother’ is to ‘smother’? No longer was I drowning in that drip drop venom from reptilian S turning mother to smother…

I could breathe! Breathe freely! That Golden Exhale, life affirming and expunging all that I had swallowed…

I metaphorically murdered my mother by cutting myself free!