Fostering Impostoring

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Sometimes, I like to get a reading… there’s various reasons why, that I’m not going into here except to say that oftentimes the real reading occurs after the ‘reading’ ends… The insights that unfurl in the Après Lounge of follow up email conversations…

Over the weekend, I found myself trading confessions with a Virgo sister…We’ve known one another a while, have worked together, swapped news but never before really unveiled our insecurities to each other. Like most good conversations, it began with a seemingly innocent question…

It soon became apparent that we had much in common in terms of parallel stories and ‘upbringings’ under the maternal cosh that beats out the tune that goes on to earworm you throughout life… Until you recognise it for what it is and you set your own rhythm…

Until you decide enough is enough, you live with that creeping feeling that you’re gonna get busted… people will find out you’re stupid… people will tell you… Blah. blah, blah de blah! I’m not one who has much time for labels, as labels seems too close to fables… fictions that may or may not exist, fictions contradictory or moralistic or glib… But sometimes a label has a temporary use as you realise that Oh! There’s a name for THAT!

The first time I heard the phrase Impostor Syndrome… I laughed a little as things fell into place and realised – Oh ok I’m not alone here… That soon switched to sadness as I realised the flipside… Having a name, meant that there were too many people all in the same boat… A boat no-one should sail in…

I’m not an expert but I’m guessing that no-one is innately born an Impostor… I’m guessing it is a product of Nuture rather than Nature… As far as I know, Nature only gifts you with 2 fears… Falling and loud noises… The rest… soaked up from the environment… Ok, so Impostor as a seed may have been planted by the mother… but for it to have survived, then I must have fostered it…

Luckily the cosmos also sends cures your way… Sometimes in strangely homeopathic ways… toxins dripping in that ultimately make you robust and stronger… When I first went back to drawing after a 20+ year gap year, I found myself on the recieving end of messages from an artist telling me to put my silly crayons away and stop embarrasing myself. Initially, I was pretty confused by that, now a few years on and after much information having come my way, I now know exactly what was driving that… But hey, I’m not going to bust someone out in public for their bogus qualifications nor expose that their husband funded and bought all of their gallery space… But at the time, why on earth was someone who was boasting an international status, in the least bit interested in what one boring old housewife was doing sat on the floor of her living room?

I put up with the nonsense for much longer than I should have… Eventually I exploded into a direct FUCK YOU but until that point, I kept my head down and tried harder… bought better paper, invested in more expensive pastels… I laugh sometimes that maybe the only reason I carried on drawing was because someone had the nerve to tell me to stop…

Yup, my homeopathic remedy for low self-esteem… drink in more of the poison that you were weaned on… Until your immunity kicks in and kicks back.

The other upside to that experience is that it gifted me with recognising when to not ponder the ‘why?’ of certain situations… Pondering the why has often been my downfall… Sometimes you don’t need to know why, you just need to toss off! I mean? Who goes into the fridge, sniffs the milk, thinks it’s a bit off and then decides to give it the benefit of the doubt? You don’t pour out rancid milk and ruin your porridge or your coffee… You trust your nose and you ditch it.

I thought I was getting quite good at tossing off… But then sometimes the inner voices start and how do you toss yourself off?

A couple of days ago, I kind of instantly jumped onboard with an idea and then over the next day… I started to question myself- Why did you say you could do that? You don’t have the skills for that?

This morning, the radio is on and I catch one of my favourite segments – Don’t Google this at home. They ask a question and the 3 presenters make guesses and listeners text in. This morning the don’t Google was – What is the Glomar response? Amusing ideas were put forward until finally the answer was revealed… Ah… Ok! That’s how I stop that internal question of ‘Are you a fraud?’ I will NCND

Neither confirm nor deny…

It amused me… my brain heard GLOW MA… that’s kind of funny when you’ve had a shit mum, to repleace her with a GLOW MA who helps you shine…

I got home and thought yeah, jokes are fun but an earnest response maybe requires more examination… I dug through old pictures and found my Inktober challenges from 2017, 2018… A pick ‘n’ mix of hits and misses… Not where I want to be but evidence that I can adapt and keep going… Afterall, how are you supposed to improve if you don’t allow yourself to flunk now and then?

I’m done with fostering impostoring, it’s time to kick that cuckoo out of my nest…