Does He Exist?

One of the things or is it two of the things? Hmmm… Let’s go with something. Something I’ve noticed during lockdown is that people use phones less and ask questions more. I guess phones are pretty dull when everybody’s plans for the weekend are ‘staying in’. That’s not a lot of planning going on and people sit more in the here and now and take conversations where they find them…

The Glaxay has been a goldmine of entertainment for me. I’ve always had a knack or maybe it’s just a natural effect… Something about my aura? that makes people spill their secrets to me… I’ve heard all kinds of stories over the last few weeks as word got out that what’s said in the car stays in the car. Though the last week or so, the tables have been turned and I’m the one on the receiving end of questions, mostly wanting to know what my other half is like.

OK, it’s not exactly like I hide Mr S away. I often speak about him, write about him and even on occasion mine his quirks for material for stand up routines. He takes it all in good humour. He’s never been to see me on stage. I banned him! I’ve always spoken in uninhibited ways to him but there’s something about speaking that way in front of a crowd who think you’ve invented stories that’s a bit distracting/odd should the plot device be seated in the front row. I’ve always ran material past him and he never censors me. I asked him one time if he minded being the butt of my jokes. He laughed and told me that I never made him the butt, I always made myself the butt and him the cool one.

It’s been a while since I’ve done stand up. It was something I needed to do but it wasn’t really my thing. There’s too much hanging around in the wings… But I guess I decided I was done with it when the stage fright vanished pretty quickly and without adrenalin, it’s tiring to force your energy into sparkle mode… It became too much like hard work! I only stay in jobs where I feel like I’m being paid to play.

The comic in me lives on and now and then behind the wheel, I’ll slide into sit down comedy… It might be triggered by a random passerby which causes me to spurl into observations and imaginings of what’s going on in their world… Or often it will be a retelling of some silly conversation between myself and Mr S.

But, anyway, there’s been lots of questions about Mr S…

Was it love at first sight?

1st sight? YES! 2nd sight… Hell no! 3rd sight… OK, yes, 1st instinct was right.

Is he nice?

I guess? Sometimes? Mostly…

What’s he like?

Ale & Cunt! (one of those is a lie but everytime I get asked what’s he like, it reminds me of the punchline to a joke he told me 30 years ago).

You’ve been with him 30 years? Aren’t you bored with him?

No

Do you still have sex?

Yes

How often?

More than you!

Good sex?

Yes! Who tolerates 30 years of bad sex? What kind of perverse self harm is that?

Does he exist?

What? You think he’s a fabrication of my imagination?

Could be? You do have a vivid ways of inventing stories…

Hey! I’m lazy! I don’t make stories up! I write them down!

So he does exist?

I guess? I’ve got 4 kids and I’m not an amoeba… So… Yeah… He must do, I guess…

He’s got a beard? Did he have that when you met him?

Yes

Did you like it?

Not particularly at first…

So it grew on you?

No, it grew on him. Though I must confess that I do appreciate the goodness of always having somewhere warm to sit…

Does he make lots of money?

Not tons but enough

Are you just in it for the sex?

Hmmm… No… He cooks! And cleans… And the kids are quite fond of him… He’s the best Domestic Goddess in the house.

I don’t know what all the fascination is with him… I guess because they never see him but they hear me cracking funny about him.

I said to a couple of girls the other day – oh blimey! Mr S came downstairs the other day and as soon as I saw him, I said oh love! You need to get tested for covid, you’re showing symptoms! He said – what? What do mean woman? I feel fine! What symptoms? I said – you’ve lost your sense of taste! He cocked his head to one side and eyed me quizzically – My sense of taste? My taste is fine! Oh! I said – Really? So why are you dressed like that?

The girls agreed I was a bully and sent out waves of sympathy for the existence unconfirmed but long suffering Mr S…

I agreed, I was indeed a bully but told them he was in fact more than a good match for me.

Really? Have you got evidence? I just smiled… We’d come to the end of the trip… Evidence would be for another day…

The next trip I have with them, we’re chitter chattering away and I start laughing. One of them says – Oh God! Here she goes. The other says – C’mmon what’s tickling you?

OK! You know what my poor old husband said to me the other day? No of course you don’t! He’s a bugger! I was talking about some of the horror stories I’ve heard about old age and he said to me…

Sit down Karen, we need to have a very serious talk. This is important, I need to make my wishes known to you whislt I still have my faculties. I’ve been thinking long and hard about this and I’ve come to a difficult decision. There’s something I want you to do for me.

If I ever end up in that state, where I’ve lost my marbles and I’ve gotten to the point where I’m rolling my own faeces into small balls and start offering it to you by asking if you want some Maltesers… If I ever get to that point, where my mind has gone… Or my bowels or bladder… If I’m shuffling around in soggy pads, drooling and wailing… I want you to do something for me. Are you listening? You and me, we’ve been through so much over the years and I’ve put you through many things… If I end up like this, I don’t think it’s fair to make you watch me suffer anymore… Please Karen I don’t want you to see this… Promise me! Promise me this! If any of that happens. don’t nurse me, don’t watch me… Promise you’ll do one last thing?

OK Marko, what is it?

Promise me you’ll kill yourself!

The girls revoked my bully status and agreed he’s more than a match for me! I’ve always claimed that he’s the funnier of the two of us 🤣 That Mr S is mostly harmless but he’s certainly not unarmed.