Carry On Mars Attacks…

So… I’ve just buckled up and launched off on the next leg of my Astro travels around my chart… and the way that Mars and Pluto tango around each other… And I land back on earth and slip into conversation and it’s suggested that I am naturally provocative…

I take that away to muse for a while as I’m quite used to me, so I don’t really find me that shocking…

But I think about it some more and then I recall the C word incident…

Just around Christmas (Eugghhhhhhhhh….. nasty C word!!) I was taking some classes in stand up… I say classes but it was more of just a meet up for folks to toss around things they had in draft… But things went kind of pear-shaped down to shall I say… artistic differences with the tutor. He would make a huge point of emphasising that the C word was not going to be allowed on stage…

And coming during the week of headlines filled with Je Suis Charlie… I thought he was being a bit precious but I let it slide… for a while… and then he started making a point of looking directly at me when he said it…

Eventually… I asked… What C word do you mean…

You know what I mean…

Clitoris?

Ack!!!! URP!!!! GLUP!!! Pfffffffffftttttttttttt!!!!! His face flushed crimson…

I was off… ad lib ahoy! Oh…. no… really… Clitoris? That upsets you… that’s more upsetting than that other really truly deeply offensive C word… Anatomical terms choke you harder that me slipping my tongue around my Anglo Saxon heritage site…

SO… that is how I quit comedy class…

But talking of Astro, reminds me that I still have my sketch in stasis… so…

Waste not want not…

Let’s defrost it and give it some air… see what it says about my Mars in Virgo in 8th house combined with Pluto in Virgo in the 9th…

Joy Blessing… The stage is all yours…

Motivational Mondays…

I’ve never much cared for Mondays and for many years I braced myself against them and soldiered forth but then I started working from home and they took on a whole new level…

No longer were they just Mondays…no…. now they’d become Motivational Mondays…

You get up, switch on your laptop and into your living room pours meme after meme of mindless crap and morons from all parts of the globe join you on your sofa… and the only thing it motivates me to do, is drop kick the computer the length of the garden…

See… it takes a while for it to sink it that you are your own boss and in fact… fuck it! If I want to, I can start my week on a Tuesday…

So now my Mondays are mostly loaf around and talk to the cat days… well… I say talk to the cat… it’s not like he ever really answers other than to tell me to shut up and go away as he’s busy day ahead of him licking his balls… the fish is more talkative but he’s a bit of a judgemental bastard… I keep telling him…. Bobzilla… people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

One thing about working from home is that it’s fairly easy to let your dress code slip… It starts slowly… meh… no need to put a bra on today, then before you know it the knickers follow suit… well… it saves on the washing and who wants the noise of the machine going all day when you’ve got important procrastinating to do… hey… I’m green not lazy! I first noticed that I might have a problem when someone gave me some vouchers and I went into M&S for some work wear and came out with new pyjamas… though the postman is quite delighted that I no longer answer the door naked…

So… an average work day… I converse with the kitty… politely decline his offer to have a lick and then call him a useless lazy free loader and tell him it’s about time he got a job… he reckons he’s more than in credit after destroying the local mouse population… That’s the reason I have him…

We had this mouse problem… I kept hearing these little noises and I insisted to Mr Blessing that we had mice… No, don’t be silly he said… anyway… the noises continued and then one night I’m sat there typing and out of the corner of my eye, there in the middle of the living room floor is Stewie Little washing his furry nose… I stared at him and he scampered off…

I told Mr B… we need a cat! There’s a mouse in the house…

Now Mr B is of a Buddhist disposition… Oh no no no! he said… we’ll have no killing here…

And off he went and bought humane traps… Now it turns out that the perfect bait is ready salted crisps dipped in Nutella… so the traps were laid of an evening and in the morning, the mice were gathered up and off he took them in his back pack to be released out into the park…

Now the kids thought this was brilliant and they started leaving food all over the house, determined to see more of these furry critters… and the buggers got bolder and bolder and they started coming out in the day… and when you looked at them, they raised a furry paw, waved at you then went back to stuffing their faces on floor buffet…

So enough was enough and I tracked myself down a cold-blooded serial killer… Now to be honest, he didn’t get off to a flying start and the first time he saw a mouse he did in fact run off… I grabbed hold of him, threw him into the kitchen with the overly confident rodent and left him there until he worked out what a cat does!

Buddha boy was mortified… he’d come home and find that the garden had been turned into a killing field… I heard him one day… Now look Woody… let me show you… are you paying attention? Now this one here… this is a house mouse…OK… I’m not happy  about it, but these ones, you are allowed to kill…. Now these ones here… Look… they are wood mice! They are OFF the menu! Capiche?

Hey! Mr B? Are you talking to the cat??? Nutter…

Yeah… Woody has quite a taste for live bait… turns out it’s a passion I also share… though I’d not had much of a chance to indulge it… that is until God started delivering it to my doorstep…

Yeah… Jehovah’s Witnesses…

Now there’s an urban myth that you can get rid of them by saying you’re a blood donor… forget it!!

They’ve been trained on that one… they’ve a whole flow chart of replies ready for you…

Now on one particular day, two youngish women came to the door and they foisted a Watchtower into my hand and asked me what I believed in and I didn’t really want to get into that, as to be honest, after nearly 25 years of marriage, and 4 kids….most days I’m not even sure that I exist… never mind some supreme being or entity… Whose socks are these? Anybody seen my car keys? Those are the sort of BIG questions I deal with… I looked at them and just said….meh… I’m of no fixed abide…

Will you read this Watchtower?

Sure… hey I said… how about you come in and we read it together and then I read your tarot cards for you?

That was interesting… they couldn’t get away quick enough… pushing past each other to get out the gate first with elbows flailing like first through Tesco’s door during a Black Friday sale…

Anyway… I took the magazine and dropped it on the table… The kids found it a few days later… I wasn’t impressed… Just wait until next time those Jovies appear…. I want a few words with them…

I waited and I waited… and then the knock… YES!!! I get to the door and there’s some fresh blood… 2 very respectable looking middle aged women…. Aha! Yes!!! They’ve got copies of Watchtower…

Good Morning ladies…

Good morning… we’re just calling by this morning to…

Hold on! Let me stop you there! Some of your colleagues were quite rude to me, last time they were here… they got very upset when I offered to read their tarot cards for them…

Really? I’m very sorry about that.

Yes… so am I, quite rude really after I Iistened to what they wanted to talk about for quite some time…

Tell me about your tarot cards?

What really?

Then I get a long lecture about how they love the sinner but hate the sin or something like that and that it’s not my fault that I wasn’t brought up with proper values…

And I’m thinking… oh… you cheeky mare!! I was brought up with some right proper values… some militant with Salvation values… and I’m right now supressing the urge to twat you over the head with a tambourine…

Can I leave this copy of Watchtower with you? Will you read it?

What’s in it?

Pardon?

What’s in it? The last one you left had a piece about the evils of masturbation in it…

Pardon? Really?

Yes! Really! That was a nice afternoon spent answering questions after my kids picked it up and read it…

Oh… well… you know… as parents, it is part of our duty to answer our children’s questions and …

Look sweety!!! I’m more than happy to answer any and all questions but I do like a head’s up on when and ideally… I wouldn’t chose to do it in front of an elderly relative with a heart condition… You really should warn people of the content…

Oh… I didn’t know that sort of thing was in there…

What? Why not? Well… what a bloody nerve! You turn up on my doorstep and ask me to read things you can’t be bothered to read…

Yeah… well… to be honest… there’s some things in there that I don’t really agree with…

Really? Oh… so what are YOUR personal views on Masturbation? Do you accept it into your life as a normally and healthy practise?

Ermmm Ermmm

Or do you think it’s a fast track to insanity…

Errmmm Errrmmmm

What I’m asking is… Ok… You’ve knocked on every door but do you ring the Devil’s doorbell?

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in the Devil!

Ok… Look I’ll read your magazine… now please I can’t stand around all day chatting… I’ve got work to do!

Ok… we’ll come back another day…

So… about a week later… Knock knock knock…

Come on in!!! I says…

That threw her… but only for a second or so…

Take a seat…

Mmmm aren’t you busy?

No!!! Sit down!!! Do you want a drink?

No thanks… who’s the artist?

Me…

Mmmm…. What’s that one?

Oh… that’s a self-portrait…

Really? That’s what you look like?

Yeah… well… yeah… I guess so…

MMmmm…. Did you use a mirror?

No… I just draw what I feel…

Mmmmm….

Now… it’s only with hindsight that I’m understanding her mmmm….

See… a few days later, a friend dropped by and also asked me about that painting… Now I told her it was an aura drawing and went into dippy hippy woo woo jargon…

Oh… she said…so you don’t paint what you see, you paint what you feel? You paint your energy…

Yeah… something like that…

Oh… I was just wondering as it has a bit of a Georgia O’Keefe feel to it…

Really?

Yeah… it looks like a gaping lady garden… a psychedelic multi coloured minge…

Oh dear… there’s a jw walking around who thinks I paint like this… *hand movements*

Oh dear… that poor old jovie… she really did turn up on the wrong day…

She turned up on a day when I was up against a deadline and procrastinating with a vengeance… I kept her talking for 3 hours… she quoted chunks of Bible at me and asked me what I thought and I had the Google oracle to hand so I threw back quotes aplenty from The Dali Lama to Samuel L Jackson…

She said she had to go…

I laughed and told her I thought she was very trusting and then I asked her how she was certain that I’d not locked in her and maybe I had a cellar full of cold callers and salesmen stashed away…

I kept her for another half an hour and then told her to leave as I had work to do! And she’d frittered away my day…

She left out the front door and Mr B came in the back…

JESUS BLOODY CHRIST!!! WHAT ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY?
Why?

Look at the state of this pig sty!!! JESUS!!!! What is THAT smell?

What?

That smell… seriously? You can’t smell that?

No… I’ve got a bit of a blocked nose…

Why aren’t you dressed yet?

Oh… the Jovie woman turned up and I invited her in for a chat

What???? You let somebody into my house, in this state, and you’re still in your pj’s and just what have you got on your head?

Eh? Oh!! My thinking cap!!!

Thinking cap??? Thinking cap!!! It’s a bloody headband with enormous bunny ears!!!

So why are you asking then?

I can’t believe you!!! What must that woman have thought?

I don’t know sweety… but apparently she’s not here to judge me as I’m a beloved child of God!

That smell!!! Where is that smell coming from??? It’s horrific?

I don’t know… I can’t smell it…

That chair!!! It’s coming from that chair!!

Oh… that’s where she was sitting…

Joy!!! Stop it!!! Don’t blame the nice lady…

He pulls out the chair…

And there’s a gigantic mound of streaming cat turd behind it….,

Jesus!!! Woody!!! You’ve shat your own body weight!! What on earth possessed you… You know you’re supposed to do that in next door’s garden…

That Woody… he looked me in the eye…

Easy woman… Take a chill pill… You told me to get a job…

Yeah… get a job! Not do a job!!

Shhh…. Listen… I’m Head of Dept for dealing with live bait… I’ve sorted your pest problem…

What you call that work?

Yeah… I call that work… honestly… what do you think I do? Just lie around all day licking my balls…

Mmmm… provocative… whatev’…

Baby! I was born this way!