So… I’m sitting in the garden and idle daydreaming in what seems to feel like the first bit of decent sunshine for as long as I can remember and as I feel the warmth on my face sinking to heat my bones, I start to ease deeper into my chair and drift away…
Then my monkey mind tosses in a question… What’s the strangest situation you’ve been in, when asked for a tarot reading?
And whilst there are so very many to choose from, a very clear winner soon springs to mind!
For those of a squeamish disposition… LOOK AWAY NOW!
Just under a year ago, I had to go for a smear test and to get my IUD changed, which is far from the top of the list of my favourite things to do… So… it gets off to a bad start when I ring to book. I have the words – cervix, coil and check-up in my head… I open my mouth to speak to the receptionist and the words that come out are ‘I want to book in for a service and oil change’ … because… I was also thinking that the car was due for MOT as well…
I turn up for the appointment and OH! it’s my lucky day! I’ve got the student… as well as a nurse and also the consultant who is monitoring. It starts with a list of personal questions, then begins the bizarre ritual of disrobing and getting on a couch and into stirrups…
But… I have a strategy! I wear a big full length skirt and it doubles up as a theatre curtain and then I don’t have to look at the business end…
So… the student is fumbling around and says – ‘Oh…. I think I’m in the right place but I’m not sure’. The consultant joins in and he’s got an ultrasound machine to show her what’s going where… And I’m thinking – I’m really glad I did years of yoga because I can tune all this out and imagine I’m on a beach somewhere.
But NO! They start with the small talk…
What’s all that about?? It feels like they’re trying to park a Delorean up my holiest of holy, I’m naked from the waist down… which oddly feels stranger than being fully naked and now… just because things aren’t surreal enough already… they want to know what my plans are for the rest of the day!
I said – you know what? Can you just shut up and let me blissfully ignore you?
The nurse walks round to my side and decides to hold my hand and says ‘ Good girl, soon be done’ , which annoys me intensely but I think… just hold her hand and then you won’t slap anyone!
She says – What do you do for a living?
I’m a Tarot Reader…
Oh… she says… I love mediums!
Which has me seething…
She says – Can I ask you a question? Have I got anybody here with me now?
I said -You have got to be flamin’ kidding?!
She says – Oh… sorry… I guess it must be hard for you to make a connection with all these distractions.
I said…. No… not really… Just that it’s already standing room only in here and now you wanna know if your dead granny has popped by for a look up my fanny! Besides… I’m a bloody Tarot reader not a medium!
She says – Oh… Have you got your cards with you?
Yes! Yes I have! Have a look in that bag there… There’s my business card… Take one and ring me when I’m dressed and vertical!
So… my thoughts drift off again in this lovely Spring sun and now I am laughing to myself at the number of grillings and questions I get off people when they come for a reading…. I thought to myself HA!! Next time I go for a cervix service, I’m going to treat the doctors like tarot readers and speak to them like I’m an awkward client…
I imagine it’ll go something like this…
Dr – Good morning, are you well?
Me – Maybe…
Dr – O.K… Name…
Me- Take a guess…
Dr- Date of birth?
Me – Can’t you tell my sign just by looking?
Dr – Married? Single?
Me- I’d rather not say…
Dr – Ok… How many children?
Me – Ok… actually… Before we start… Can I ask you a few questions? Is that ok?
Dr – Sure…
Me – OK… How old were you when you knew you wanted to do this? Do you have to have the gift? Does it run in your family? Are you a real doctor? Are you qualified? How did you get qualified? How do I know you didn’t just walk in off the street and you are faking it? What’s the difference between you and a dentist? I think I’d sooner see a dentist… I’m not sure… What do you think?
😀
Actually… I’ve got to go to the dentist in a couple of weeks’ time… I might ask him the same things…
I hope I don’t get my appointments mixed up… that could get interesting! I’ve heard it said that any hole’s a hole… But I’m guessing whoever said that didn’t think it right through…
Now rinse…
The pure and blessed way 