Waxtober 29

When I first looked at today’s waxing, I was struck by what looks like an ethereal figure, radiating light… I asked myself the question – Is that some kind of guide? Who is that..? As I held that thought in mind, with my inner vision I could clearly see an image from the Orphaned Oracle…

I felt the connection between the two images and then I knew exactly who the guide was…

The image from the OO has layered meanings but essentially it’s about boundaries and along with advice, also carries a cautionary tale… My thoughts drifted into the past year or so and how I’ve pruned people out of my life… I’m often mistaken for an extrovert but truth is, I’m happiest in my own company, though I don’t really think of myself as an introvert… Maybe an ambivert? A flexivert? INTERvert? Whatever… Some kind of strange hodgepodge of too noisy for an introvert and too antisocial for an extrovert… Where’s this going? OK… So I spend a lot of time immersed in my own little world where I’m very very happy. A world that mostly consists of idle daydreams and playing with crayons but periodically I step out of there and find myself sitting in worlds involving other people and sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes that’s a wtf? thing…

Good things, speak for themselves. I don’t need to illustrate…

The wtf things? These are the things that I’ve been clearing away… Sometimes people say or do things and I think wtf? It comes across as out of place and I’m puzzled… Is this a normal exchange? Is this how people speak to each other? Is that really something a friend would say? Should I accept that? Am I OK with that? I recognise now, that this line of thinking is a legacy problem of being raised by hmmm… I’m not a qualified psychologist, so I’ll just use a layman term and say I was raised by whackos! The legacy being it left me with very skewed ideas on what’s a normal interaction and instead of doing what a saner person would do and maybe ask – What do you mean by that?, I tend to fall back into a childhood habit of when you’re not sure if someone is being problematic with you, then speak back to them in their own language… Many times, people just carry on and I figure it’s just their way… Or they’ll say oh shit and backpedal a bit to clarify what they meant to say… Now and then wft? becomes WTF?! as the other person starts to shout and tell me what a massive cunt I am or how I’m doing things to upset them… Yup, those are the people I’ve been shedding…

Maybe they’re right and I am a massive cunt… Only time will tell…

There is a house across the road from me, a couple of days ago, it was surrounded by police, the doors kicked in, the pavements dug up… The “house” has in fact been a cannabis factory for the last several months… For the first time in months, there’s no smell of weed in the air. The absence of scent brings into focus just how all invasive the pong was… Suddenly my house smells like my house again… Suddenly I’m not feeling drained and tired when I shouldn’t be… My sweet tooth that reappeared around March, that I attributed to lockdown symptoms, disappears… I feel bright and bouncy and full of beans! It strikes me as an interesting analogy for the wtf people…

When I’ve been around these people, I’ve never felt entirely myself… I’ve felt a little subdued or unexplainably tired… When I’ve got them out of my life, I can breathe again… My mind speeds up, I want to paint, draw, photograph, write, sing, dance, laugh, etc. etc. etc…

So back to the beginning and my waxing for today… That bright white figure, that’s not a guide from other realms… That’s your inner guidance shining when you keep your space clear of things that dumb you down… All, those greens and orangey tones… Abundant creative energies… That’s what my little world feels like, sat at my desk… Just scribbling and smelling of happy.