I’m ambivalent about fb memories… Sometimes they pop up and I have no recall of what they refer to, sometimes they bring smiles and then days like today bring posts that make me ask myself – Wtf were you thinking? The post that came up places me at an event several years ago… From the off, I had mixed feelings about attending but dismissed my grouchiness as being a symptom of my general dislike for the bleakness of this time of the year… An offshoot of gloomy thoughts fuelled by the endless drab grey days that seep in and out of night and leave me feeling in limbo with no sense of time… My body confused as to whether I should be waking up or heading to bed… I know it’s a time of year where minor irritations can feel disproportionately large and so I guess I pushed ahead and went against my better instinct thinking I was compensating against my biases and skews…
I remember the booking process being a P.I.T.A. and looking back, if it had been in summer when my spirits are usually at their highest, I would have most likely decided – fuck this for a game of soldiers and moved swiftly on to something more joyful… But no, winter doldrums told me to stop being such a quitter… The venue itself and parking turned out to be another massive ball ache… I resisted to urge to stay in the car, turn around and go home…
Setting up set a possibly all time low. I left my stall to nip to the loo and returned to find an irate god botherer and self-appointed guardian of public morals, in the act of tossing my business cards, flyers etc. into the bin. She paused what she was doing, to deliver me a sermon on why I wasn’t welcome and blah blah blah… Looking back, the oddest thing I find about that now, is that I stood there serenely gathering back my things and putting them in place, whilst nodding, yep, that’s right, I’m going to hell, yep yep, yep you go find someone to complain to…
Why? Why rise above this? I’m not adverse to telling people to go fuck themselves… I don’t know why I didn’t utter those words then…
Yup, a strange old day, and with hindsight maybe somewhat fated… I rarely recall the first time I meet most people but every so often I meet someone and time briefly pauses and I know there’s something significant to come… That day, I met someone… Someone who weaved in and out of my life for too long for me to bore you with the details with other than to say ultimately ties were cut…
My Husband thinks I’m a hard hearted bitch in that when I decide something is over, I don’t look back… Often I hear people say that you shouldn’t burn bridges… On one level I kind of get that but on another I find it whiffs of hypocrisy… Like saying OK I don’t like how you treated me but hey I will keep in touch and be civil just in case you might be useful to me in the future… Hmmm…
I also find it a little insulting when people advise me not to burn bridges, as though I’ve not considered things fully… When I burn bridges, it’s never a decision I’ve taken lightly nor is it a sudden one…
Sometimes burning bridges is healthy… I find it amusing that I hear so often the words – onwards and upwards, yet so often people are reluctant to leave behind what’s best left behind…
Anyway… Yesterday I heard a story that had me laughing literally out loud all day and still has me chuckling today. This is one of the great joys of lockdown… You find yourself in conversations and discovering interesting things about people that would probably never have come to light in the busy busyness of pre-covid days. During a bit of idle of chatter with a colleague, I jokingly asked her – So what are you going to do then? Go work for Amazon?
She tells me – Bitch! There’s no way I’m going back there EVER!
I had no idea she’d worked for them so of course I wanted details…
So, to cut a long story short – When it comes to burning bridges, until I can say that I was removed from the building by a security guard putting me into a fireman’s lift, after I beat the area manager around the head with a double ended dildo… Well, I guess I’m in the little league of bridge burners. #lifegoals
The pure and blessed way 